Holidays are approaching....

Well dear reader, the holidays are coming upon us FAST. I am ready to start my Christmas decorating. I am NOT ready for Christmas itself though. I am not ready to shop or make lists or participate in the holiday mall hell. I'm not ready to figure out all the ways I will attempt to spoil my children and husband for this holiday. The Christmas season never works out like I hope. We never sit around by the light of the tree stringing popcorn, sipping on hot chocolate, watching Little Rascals Christmas Special or Charlie Brown's Christmas. There is never that moment of bonding, that moment I strive for every single year and never can accomplish, that moment when all is right with the world because we have each other and we have our warm home, popcorn and hot chocolate. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe this year I can produce that moment. Sure I will have to storyboard it, which will take some of the magic away for me, but if it's magical to my children, then that's great because that is what is important anyway. I want them to see the beauty of Christmas, the lights, the trees, the songs, the cookies, the snow, and not just see a maximum number of presents under the tree. Between now and then I want to get their rooms picked up and changed the way I want them changed. When Christmas comes, I want them to have twinkling lights in their rooms. I want them to hum Silent Night under their breath. I want to curl up with them and watch Rudolph. I will work hard for this.

I still don't want to shop.

And Tell You All the Things You Are to Me.....

Where's the romance in my life? Where is my breathless-heart-pounding-lightheaded-fireworks romance? Where is my I'd-do-anything-for-you moment? Maybe my chunky rolls have swallowed all the moments. Maybe there just isn't anyone who would do anything for me. Maybe I'm not important enough to deserve a drawn bath or candelight dinner or sweet words whispered in my ear. Oh how I miss that. I miss feeling like a teenager, all giddy with a swollen heart. I see it on TV and in movies and I can't get enough of it (maybe I'm making up for the lack of it in my own life?). I know they are just TV shows, but they make me want to burst; it's so sweet and so selfless it makes me want to cry because it's just been so long since anyone stuff like that for me. I mean, Pacey bought Joey a WALL for crying out loud! Spike puts up with so much abuse just so he can be near Buffy. Shue bought a car just to compete with another guy, and he sings and dances! It's just all so sweet and romantic that you almost get butterflies just watching it, especially when there aren't any in your own life. I know, complain, complain, complain, but admit it, everyone wants their Edward Cullen. Everyone wants to hear that they are beautiful and wanted OUTSIDE of the heat of the moment. Everyone wants to be admired for something and I guess I ran out of admirable qualities...

Never settled

Tonight I hope to finish, or mostly finish, the other 4 chairs that match that pesky first one. My mind is going crazy with craft ideas to do after that. The problem is, I don't have any craft supplies and no money to buy any. My house is still making me buggy. I absolutely HATE the front and back porch. They look horrible, but I don't have the money for the solid stain that I would need to fix them. I know everything is going to be a slow process, but I really have no patience for the waiting. I want to live in my perfect house right now, not later. Why couldn't Samantha pass on her 'bewitching' powers to me? I really could use them. I promise to give them up when I'm done! It's just this need I have to change things. I constantly want to change things. My house is never done because I want to change it all the time. I can't help it. I would imagine, if I found a perfect way, then maybe I would stop for awhile, but is there a "perfect" way for me? Maybe there isn't. Maybe I am doomed to drive my husband nuts by making him rearrange all the time. I really hope not!

I do know that my next project, after the chairs, will probably be the chalkboard. I have ideas for that and I think they are pretty good ideas, but this is me, which means they probably won't turn out as good as I imagine them in my head. ;-)

Seeing the Flaws

Reader, this home improvement stuff is killing me. Tonight I tried to redo a chair. It was JUST A CHAIR. Well, after touching it up with some Olde English, I put new material on the set. I love the material I picked out. I was completely gaga over it in the store. The colors are perfect for my dining room, it's fabulous. But guess what....I hate it on the chair. All of the sudden, adding it to the chair just sucked the life right out of that perfect material. I'm pretty sure that at least a little is the condition of the chair itself. The Olde English did it's duty on many of the scratches but there are many more that it can't touch. Then I did not realize what horrible condition the pads would be in, so the only thing I could think of to use that I had laying around the house was cotton. Well, now it just looks like a lumpy mess. GRRR! So tomorrow I will stop and get the appropriate foam and start again. Now I just need to take care of those pesky scratches.....

Achieving a goal....almost

Well dear reader, I have finished my first large project. By large I mean, bigger than me and all by myself. I have (almost) finished a small china cabinet. When I first got it, it was not what you would call pretty (see below).






And then there are the after pictures. It's not perfect, after all it IS the biggest thing I have done and I'm still learning. In a few short days it will have new glass shelves in there (they had wood ones, can you imagine?). It will also house my crystal wine glasses which should let off a nice twinkle when I turn on the tap light i installed in the top. I can't wait for that!

I have the hubby standing next to it in this picture for a height reference (he's 6'3")



The first picture is a better indication of it's color. It's not as light as this.



It feels so good to be able to make something look better. Although I will admit, every time I walk by it, I can find flaws that make me cringe. Maybe once the glasses and such are in it, I will feel better about it. Plus it looks a little awkward with our cream colored table, but soon enough we will have a dark wood table in there and that will help tie it together! I am hoping to make my house a little classier and a little nicer. Oddly enough, that requires bringing more stuff in when I really need to get rid of many things. Funny how that works huh? I will keep you posted on my progress as it happens. It's a long, slow process that requires more money and time than I have right now, so I have to rely on freebies and stuff laying around the house. But that's okay. It's worked out in my favor so far (the cabinet was a freebie, I only spent money on the paint and the glass shelves). I have so many ideas brewing through my head, but they all require money (one wouldn't be THAT much but it would be 2 or 3 gallons of paint and that is $50-$60 that I just don't have right now). It'll work itself out though, it always does!

Spring is here!

Have you ever noticed that sense of empowerment that comes with spring? It's like the sudden surge in temperature comes with a surge of super-human abilities. As I feel the sun and breathe in the fresh air, I am filled with ideas and ambition. As I shed my winter coat, I marvel at how much I take movement for granted since I am no longer weighed down by that burdening thing. I feel energized and ready to paint the rooms and plant the flowers and rake and stain and saw and wash and clean and, most importantly, OPEN THE WINDOWS!



Oh but please let's not forget one of the small pleasures in my life, the picture taking. I took advantage of the few spring-like days we had (before the rogue snow of course) and took 2 of the children to play at the park with camera in hand. What beautiful lighting there was from the setting sun (along with a slow onset of chill)! It was so nice to go outside for a significant length of time without feeling like my very bones would shatter from the cold. I took the opportunity, while the weather held out, to take a stroll around my yard. Thankfully the previous owners were kind enough to leave some plants in the ground for us. I have not yet identified them but I'm ready and waiting to be pleasantly surprised when they finally show their faces! I do hope for a nice weekend soon so I can get outside and rake up the winter debris.



Most of all, I am hoping that everyone can feel that same sense of renewal that I feel. Winter has been long and I am tired. I do not want to fight anymore with the people who want to keep hurting everyone around them. I don't want to constantly be on my toes waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to have to force family into BEING family. I don't want to force friends into being friends. I want this spring to be filled with laughter and love and celebration. I want to fire up our grill for the first time while we all sit around the porch on my kitchen chairs (because I have not gotten a patio set) and inhale the sounds and smells and springtime camaraderie. Is that so much to ask?

Lately I've been taking long strolls through my memories and see what I can find. One memory that often stands out is the memory of a certain period of time in Ohio. For about one year, I lived the existance I always envied in the movies. Three times a week, a very dear friend and I would work out to Jane Fonda in her dorm room. Once a week, I took piano at Wittenburg University. Once a month, the same friend, as well as another, would head out to the local hippy village, where we would take in some sort of indy or foreign film at their little theater, and the rule was no matter WHAT it was, we would watch it (this was a very small theater that only played one movie at a time). After the movie, we would settle down in a little cafe nearby and chatter over our hot chocolates and cappuccinos. Oh how I miss those days. It really felt like a scene from a movie, that scene that always made you feel a little artsy and a little worldly and a little like there was some poet or writer just waiting to burst out of you wearing a beret and spouting out words like 'pulchritudinous' and 'mockeries' and 'trite agenda'. I long for those days again. Yet I find myself wanting to add a new chapter and completely unsure how. I want to be domestic. I want to have a wonderfully artsy house where hubby and I would cook side by side, each contributing our own to the meal. I want to throw small dinner parties where people are actually invited and aren't just coming over for a television show or movie, the kind where people who are invited bring a bottle of wine, not a bottle of beer. Or perhaps I could do the insane and make dinner for the hubby. I haven't yet figured it out, but I have something domestic just waiting to burst out of me like some foreign, alien creature. Who knows, maybe this weekend will be the weekend when I impress the people that believe in me the least. And if not, well then I will just kick back, pop one of the wonderful truffles I plan on making in my mouth, sip some wine and read one of my highly-anticipated books. That sounds just as delightful to me!

Happy Birthday Baby

In two days, my oldest baby will be 13. Egads, a teenager of my own. That's so surreal and wonderous and unbelievable. In two days, I will have a full-fledged, boy-crazy, texting, gossiping, giggling teenager. I know people say "It feels like yesterday when (insert long-ago event here)". I won't lie and say it feels like yesterday, but it certainly doesn't feel like 13 years ago when I cradled her in my arms. It doesn't feel like 13 years ago when I had periodically wake her up because her heart monitor had gone off indicating she had stopped breathing. It doesn't feel like 13 years ago when I fiirst breathed in her scent and kissed her soft cheeks. Time is going by so quickly. Yes, I know, that is the way of life. I only wish I knew back then what I know now. I only wish I had not been as bitter and self-involved. I only wish I had enjoyed life and my daughter's childhood more. I only wish I had made the policy back then to laugh often and love much. Yes, if only I knew back then what I know now....

The Beginning

Hello Readers. I am creating this blog, new in January of 2010. It is going to be my attempt to share the small wonders I see daily. Toward the end of 2009, it occured to me that I was starting to find happiness and peace in many of life's everyday things. I was starting to be able to look out a window and see beauty again instead of the rain, the buildings blocking my view or the smoke from the cars. I ended 2009 with the desire to be a better person and to experience more things with my children. This is my log for that journey to do more and be more. I hope you enjoy it. I thought I would throw in a picture of myself as a baby, because I do get a smile looking at my own chubby cheeks!

I do want to put in a quick note. I forgive you. You, girl, who told me that you had no interest in pursuing a friendship with someone you did not keep in contact with, despite the best friends we used to be. You, who told me a bold-faced lie. I forgive you. My first instinct was to stress out about this because I do not enjoy the idea of someone not liking me, especially someone who used to be such a big part of my life, but I realize now that you have a reason for saying what you did. I don't know what it is, and if we can't be friends because of it, well, so be it. I forgive you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Throughout my life I know that hearing an old Phil Collins song will remind me of dancing around your house in the morning getting ready for school, and there will always be a soft spot in my heart for the "Guys Next Door." Live in peace and harmony, my old friend.