Lately I've been taking long strolls through my memories and see what I can find. One memory that often stands out is the memory of a certain period of time in Ohio. For about one year, I lived the existance I always envied in the movies. Three times a week, a very dear friend and I would work out to Jane Fonda in her dorm room. Once a week, I took piano at Wittenburg University. Once a month, the same friend, as well as another, would head out to the local hippy village, where we would take in some sort of indy or foreign film at their little theater, and the rule was no matter WHAT it was, we would watch it (this was a very small theater that only played one movie at a time). After the movie, we would settle down in a little cafe nearby and chatter over our hot chocolates and cappuccinos. Oh how I miss those days. It really felt like a scene from a movie, that scene that always made you feel a little artsy and a little worldly and a little like there was some poet or writer just waiting to burst out of you wearing a beret and spouting out words like 'pulchritudinous' and 'mockeries' and 'trite agenda'. I long for those days again. Yet I find myself wanting to add a new chapter and completely unsure how. I want to be domestic. I want to have a wonderfully artsy house where hubby and I would cook side by side, each contributing our own to the meal. I want to throw small dinner parties where people are actually invited and aren't just coming over for a television show or movie, the kind where people who are invited bring a bottle of wine, not a bottle of beer. Or perhaps I could do the insane and make dinner for the hubby. I haven't yet figured it out, but I have something domestic just waiting to burst out of me like some foreign, alien creature. Who knows, maybe this weekend will be the weekend when I impress the people that believe in me the least. And if not, well then I will just kick back, pop one of the wonderful truffles I plan on making in my mouth, sip some wine and read one of my highly-anticipated books. That sounds just as delightful to me!

Happy Birthday Baby

In two days, my oldest baby will be 13. Egads, a teenager of my own. That's so surreal and wonderous and unbelievable. In two days, I will have a full-fledged, boy-crazy, texting, gossiping, giggling teenager. I know people say "It feels like yesterday when (insert long-ago event here)". I won't lie and say it feels like yesterday, but it certainly doesn't feel like 13 years ago when I cradled her in my arms. It doesn't feel like 13 years ago when I had periodically wake her up because her heart monitor had gone off indicating she had stopped breathing. It doesn't feel like 13 years ago when I fiirst breathed in her scent and kissed her soft cheeks. Time is going by so quickly. Yes, I know, that is the way of life. I only wish I knew back then what I know now. I only wish I had not been as bitter and self-involved. I only wish I had enjoyed life and my daughter's childhood more. I only wish I had made the policy back then to laugh often and love much. Yes, if only I knew back then what I know now....

The Beginning

Hello Readers. I am creating this blog, new in January of 2010. It is going to be my attempt to share the small wonders I see daily. Toward the end of 2009, it occured to me that I was starting to find happiness and peace in many of life's everyday things. I was starting to be able to look out a window and see beauty again instead of the rain, the buildings blocking my view or the smoke from the cars. I ended 2009 with the desire to be a better person and to experience more things with my children. This is my log for that journey to do more and be more. I hope you enjoy it. I thought I would throw in a picture of myself as a baby, because I do get a smile looking at my own chubby cheeks!

I do want to put in a quick note. I forgive you. You, girl, who told me that you had no interest in pursuing a friendship with someone you did not keep in contact with, despite the best friends we used to be. You, who told me a bold-faced lie. I forgive you. My first instinct was to stress out about this because I do not enjoy the idea of someone not liking me, especially someone who used to be such a big part of my life, but I realize now that you have a reason for saying what you did. I don't know what it is, and if we can't be friends because of it, well, so be it. I forgive you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Throughout my life I know that hearing an old Phil Collins song will remind me of dancing around your house in the morning getting ready for school, and there will always be a soft spot in my heart for the "Guys Next Door." Live in peace and harmony, my old friend.