Lifetime challenge

This has been interesting month so far. I'm almost hesitant to see what the second half of the month will bring. So far I've worked two charity events, I've had 2 people I know die, I've changed up rooms, I'd come to two of the most difficult decisions of my life only to take them back, I've laughed, I've cried, I've raged, I've just been THAT close to throwing in the towel. I really do hope the rest of the month is calmer because the last two weeks have felt like my own personal hell. I'm hoping that this new changing/purging thing I'm trying to accomplish in my home will help calm things down, take away a little visual chaos. But I know that's not the complete answer. I know how angry I am and how hateful I can be. I don't want to be. I want to be grateful. There are words from a song at church that say I've been blessed now I want to be a blessing. I kind of feel that way, except that I don't appreciate how blessed I have been. I want to appreciate that I could run right out this weekend and paint a room a different color, just because. I want to appreciate that even though my kids spent much of the day bickering yesterday, that they spent so much of the day behaving on Saturday. I want to appreciate how wonderful it is that my husband finished up the last part of the wall for me because my head was shattering. The list of things I want to appreciate is pretty lengthy. And it's not that I don't appreciate these things, it's that I'm so filled with spitfire that I can't appreciate these things ENOUGH. I need to find some kind of peace in my life, some moment where no one is snipping at anyone, a moment full of laughter, a moment where I can take a deep breath and feel the relief wash over me. I want friendly gatherings full of engaging conversation and good laughs. I want to reconnect with my husband and form a closeness we never had before. Most of all, I want to cry. I want a long, cleansing cry because I already feel like I'm just holding the sobs back. Believe it or not, I want to stop whining too. This week being what it is however, the 5 day challenge: the week of no coffee, I'm not sure this will be the week to stop whining. If whining is all you get this week, you might want to consider yourself lucky....