Remember, I Didn't Cry When They Shot Old Yeller

I have had things happen to me in my lifetime – many not so pleasant things, and among those things, there are 3 in mind that cause people years and years of torture or agony.  Not me.  These three things have caused other people to self-mutilate in order to dull the pain of the event.  Not me.  These things cause people to have MANY triggers through their lives that cause anxiety or panic when stumbled upon.  I only have one.  I honestly find my own lack of emotion and empathy a little disturbing.  Why am I that way?  Why am I not on the street holding up a sign advocating this or protesting the very nature of that?  What is wrong with me that I have never broken down and felt the full effect of these events?  In my sleep, I find myself jolting awake, out of breath, heart racing, tears stinging my eyes.  In the harsh light of day however, when I hear someone is a ‘cutter’ because of this or that, I honestly want to shake them and tell them to stop their whining and get some therapy.  I have NO sympathy for cutting.  I remember, when I was a teenager, I took a pin and scratched my boyfriend’s initials into my skin because I wanted it to scar there.  Stupid, yes, I know, but I was not looking for sympathy and I certainly wasn’t ‘trying to numb the pain’.  If any friend of mine would have come up to me then and told me they were cutting themselves, on purpose, I probably would not have hesitated to tell them how stupid they were.  That’s harsh, and mean.  I know that.  People deal differently.  On the other side of that coin, however, I know there are some events that are with you.  Even though I rarely react to my own events, they are ALWAYS there.  They don’t go away.  They are with me always.  That is NOT to say they DEFINE me.  They shouldn’t.  Tragedies shouldn’t define a person.  Perhaps that is why I am so unsympathetic with people who cut, because they are allowing it to define them instead of dusting themselves off and fighting their way out of the muck and mire.  The people that fight every day to live their lives and define themselves, those are the people I admire.  As I was writing this, I came across a news story about a young girl that had been freed from a concentration camp.  Her foster mother told her 'Look, darling, hold my hands. You will never forget this experience. You can't. It happened to you, it's real. But put it in your soul deep, deep down and don't let it live on your skin, because this is a beautiful life and almost all the people on this planet are beautiful, loving people. And you're going to know them and you're going to live a beautiful life filled with joy.'  I agree completely.

2012-2013

Well, I have seen a lot of ‘resolutions’ come over my feeds, usually stuff like I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to eat healthier, I’m going to read 3 books a month, etc, etc. I generally don’t pay much attention to resolutions since most people tend not to keep them. Instead, I’m looking at the New Year as just another fresh start, which really each and every day is anyway (the irony is right after I typed that, I took down the 2012 calendar at work and took out an inspirational one I had received in the mail and the January quote is “The sun is new everyday” [Heraclitus]). I’m not going to be one of those people that says oh well 2012 sucked, so 2013 HAS to be better. That is just not the case. When I look at the year in review, was it the best? No, but it wasn’t the worst and it certainly wasn’t 2012’s fault, it was mine.
I am not going to make a resolution in the traditional sense. I’m not going to ‘resolve’ to do anything because that is a promise I don’t know if I can keep. I AM going to say that I want to make many changes this year. The biggest change is I want to purge. I want to purge stuff because I have WAAAAAYYYYYYYYY too much of it. I want to purge people. 2012 DID teach me a thing or two, one of those things being I might do unto others, but that doesn’t mean they will bother to do unto me. The other being that there aren’t as many people out there that I can count as I used to think there were. I want to purge negative attitudes and ideas (of my own) and find a better place of positivity and spirituality. I want myself and my children to walk with our heads held high and smiles on our faces. I want there to be lots of laughter and affection. I think with an attitude readjustment, the other typical resolutions will follow – I will eat better, I’ll feel better, I’ll lose weight. Maybe, maybe not (health condition kind of makes the weight loss a little harder), but mentally I’ll be better. And I want my friends and family to know that I love you all. You all mean the world to me and always will, but I will not spend the year begging for your attention. I spent much of 2012 doing that and that really didn’t work out for me, so just know that I love you and you know where to find me.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." ~Bill Vaughan

I want this year to be a happy one and the only way to do that is to start making the changes within myself.

Happy New Year all!

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. ~Bill Vaughan