But now we're stressed out

I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote...well...anything really.  I find the need to now though, because I just don't have that many outlets. 

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was desperately trying to clean my house.  While it needs to be done anyway ALWAYS, I was doing it for an out of town visitor.  Shortly after that I did what I could (ANYTHING is difficult to get done in my house), I left on my own trip out of town (visitor was for the hubby). 

My trip out of town was to fly across the country and visit with my eldest brother. Since I was a teenager, he has been one of my favorite people. He moved away almost 13 years ago and I've rarely been able to see him since. It was wonderful to spend that time with him. There are no words to adequately describe how much I miss him.  He lives in a cute, quirky little town and his house, while very much like the others on the outside, is gorgeous on the inside, like I knew it would be. It's sparse and clean and just perfect.  It was a perfect example of how to live stylishly, cleanly, without an overabundance of stuff.

Ever since I got home, I have admittedly been in kind of a rotten mood.  I'm not exactly sure what my problem is, but I would imagine it's a combination of things. That combination would be: a messy house I can't stand, people who live in and do absolutely nothing above and beyond the bare minimum, the whining that started as soon as I got home, the pile of work left for me at the job,the drama created by people while I was gone...and on and on and on. Of course I realize these are common, every day problems, certainly not unique to me, nor do they make me special in any way, but they are driving me to my breaking point and I can't seem to put the brakes on that. I am feeling everything magnified it seems - disgust, anger, sadness, irritation. I miss my brother. I miss who I can be with him. I miss being excited about my home.  I can remember when I moved into my first apartment.  I went shopping for the basics: dishes, towels, TV trays, silverware. I remember how exciting it was to pick that stuff out, to feel like an adult, making my own decisions about my own stuff.  Now I feel so stressed out most of the time, I have no time to enjoy what I can do for myself. I am so angry and bitter at the people who constantly attack that I have no time to enjoy those who don't. Most of all, I am sad that no one seems to understand.  ☹️

Remember, I Didn't Cry When They Shot Old Yeller

I have had things happen to me in my lifetime – many not so pleasant things, and among those things, there are 3 in mind that cause people years and years of torture or agony.  Not me.  These three things have caused other people to self-mutilate in order to dull the pain of the event.  Not me.  These things cause people to have MANY triggers through their lives that cause anxiety or panic when stumbled upon.  I only have one.  I honestly find my own lack of emotion and empathy a little disturbing.  Why am I that way?  Why am I not on the street holding up a sign advocating this or protesting the very nature of that?  What is wrong with me that I have never broken down and felt the full effect of these events?  In my sleep, I find myself jolting awake, out of breath, heart racing, tears stinging my eyes.  In the harsh light of day however, when I hear someone is a ‘cutter’ because of this or that, I honestly want to shake them and tell them to stop their whining and get some therapy.  I have NO sympathy for cutting.  I remember, when I was a teenager, I took a pin and scratched my boyfriend’s initials into my skin because I wanted it to scar there.  Stupid, yes, I know, but I was not looking for sympathy and I certainly wasn’t ‘trying to numb the pain’.  If any friend of mine would have come up to me then and told me they were cutting themselves, on purpose, I probably would not have hesitated to tell them how stupid they were.  That’s harsh, and mean.  I know that.  People deal differently.  On the other side of that coin, however, I know there are some events that are with you.  Even though I rarely react to my own events, they are ALWAYS there.  They don’t go away.  They are with me always.  That is NOT to say they DEFINE me.  They shouldn’t.  Tragedies shouldn’t define a person.  Perhaps that is why I am so unsympathetic with people who cut, because they are allowing it to define them instead of dusting themselves off and fighting their way out of the muck and mire.  The people that fight every day to live their lives and define themselves, those are the people I admire.  As I was writing this, I came across a news story about a young girl that had been freed from a concentration camp.  Her foster mother told her 'Look, darling, hold my hands. You will never forget this experience. You can't. It happened to you, it's real. But put it in your soul deep, deep down and don't let it live on your skin, because this is a beautiful life and almost all the people on this planet are beautiful, loving people. And you're going to know them and you're going to live a beautiful life filled with joy.'  I agree completely.

2012-2013

Well, I have seen a lot of ‘resolutions’ come over my feeds, usually stuff like I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to eat healthier, I’m going to read 3 books a month, etc, etc. I generally don’t pay much attention to resolutions since most people tend not to keep them. Instead, I’m looking at the New Year as just another fresh start, which really each and every day is anyway (the irony is right after I typed that, I took down the 2012 calendar at work and took out an inspirational one I had received in the mail and the January quote is “The sun is new everyday” [Heraclitus]). I’m not going to be one of those people that says oh well 2012 sucked, so 2013 HAS to be better. That is just not the case. When I look at the year in review, was it the best? No, but it wasn’t the worst and it certainly wasn’t 2012’s fault, it was mine.
I am not going to make a resolution in the traditional sense. I’m not going to ‘resolve’ to do anything because that is a promise I don’t know if I can keep. I AM going to say that I want to make many changes this year. The biggest change is I want to purge. I want to purge stuff because I have WAAAAAYYYYYYYYY too much of it. I want to purge people. 2012 DID teach me a thing or two, one of those things being I might do unto others, but that doesn’t mean they will bother to do unto me. The other being that there aren’t as many people out there that I can count as I used to think there were. I want to purge negative attitudes and ideas (of my own) and find a better place of positivity and spirituality. I want myself and my children to walk with our heads held high and smiles on our faces. I want there to be lots of laughter and affection. I think with an attitude readjustment, the other typical resolutions will follow – I will eat better, I’ll feel better, I’ll lose weight. Maybe, maybe not (health condition kind of makes the weight loss a little harder), but mentally I’ll be better. And I want my friends and family to know that I love you all. You all mean the world to me and always will, but I will not spend the year begging for your attention. I spent much of 2012 doing that and that really didn’t work out for me, so just know that I love you and you know where to find me.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." ~Bill Vaughan

I want this year to be a happy one and the only way to do that is to start making the changes within myself.

Happy New Year all!

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. ~Bill Vaughan

AH Christmas! ;-)

Recently I have had someone pop back up into my life and I am just not comfortable with it. His presence has made me shaky and paranoid and constantly on edge. I don’t like it. I hate feeling that way. I hate FEELING anything in regard to him other than the contempt I had settled in with 20 years ago. I certainly hate feeling this way during one of “the most wonderful times of the year”. For now I am concentrating on Christmas and gifts and smells and movies and lights and music. I am busy shopping and building and painting and creating and doing what I can to shove this to the back of my mind – something I suppose I’ve always done. But Christmas, for me, is about my children. And this scum-of-the-earth is NOT going to take that away from me.

On a lighter note, WOW do I have a TON to get done before Christmas! That is what I get for pushing it off and thinking ‘Oh I have plenty of time’. Yeah, time is running out. Hate it when that happens! But that’s okay. I have a million ideas for things (of which I’ll probably complete like 2). I really need to find a time to take inventory and make lists so I can keep track. But I have to find the perfect time to do that, when all manner of child and husband are nowhere near me. Yeah, good luck with that!

But it doesn’t matter. I’m excited for the holiday season. I’m as anxious to play with see the kid’s new stuff as they are. I'm counting down the seconds until my favorite shows do their Christmas episodes and I've already taken in WAY too much sappy Christmas movies. But this year....this year I will break down and FINALLY watch It's a Wonderful Life for the first time (don't laugh people - I only saw A Christmas Story last year for the first time). Looking forward to it all!

The holidays approach

The holidays are among us. This is that time of year when I take on something almost schizophrenic in nature – when I am excited for the possibilities of warm holiday memories and dreading the chaos that always accompanies this time of year. In less than a week, Halloween will be upon us. All the little kiddies will dress in their scariest and threaten tricks while really just seeking out treats. My witch, my vampire princess and my devil will be among them, most likely pretending not to be freezing in order to avoid even a chance that they might miss out on some sugary goodness. They will, of course, have eaten 6+ pieces of candy before getting home despite my warnings to only have one. Once at home, they will proceed to dump their ‘treasure’ on the table and the sorting and trading will commence. Despite the candy-coated frenzy, I do still enjoy the whimsy of it all.

Not too long after that, we will be preparing for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving and Christmas are always harder holidays for me I think. Thanksgiving does remind to give thanks for each little blessing in my life, but, to be honest, I do that quite frequently anyway. But then it reminds me of the people who are not thankful for the blessings in their lives – the people who only focus on the negative things or the people who don’t even notice the blessings at all. I try not to let these people bring me down, but often I find myself dwelling on them and it makes me a little bitter. I don’t like that. I don’t like people who suck so much energy out of my life that I can’t focus on my own happy thoughts. So Thanksgiving is always a lesson in balance for me. But I do look forward to it nonetheless (okay, okay, I’ll admit, I am, more than anything else, looking forward to the turkey because it was AH-MAZING last year! – and the wine, I rather like that as well). I know ahead of time that at least two of the children will fight, one of them will beg everyone she sees to play video games with her, one will keep trying to hole herself up in her room, one will be too wound up and will eat very little and then she will fall asleep on the couch and at some point someone (or many) will leave a plate laying somewhere it shouldn’t be and the dogs will clean it off for them. I know these things WILL happen, but I look forward to it anyway and already I can feel the warm creep up into my face as I think about how much I appreciate the people in my life. I really need to be a hugger. ;-)

And then we head into Christmas. I am not ashamed to admit that I am getting really impatient to start decorating for that. Yes, I know, it’s not Halloween yet, but I can’t help it. I spent a good amount of time sniffing holiday scented candles and looking at Christmas crafts and working on Christmas lists with the kids and now I want the holly and lights and music and movies dammit! For the people coming over on Thanksgiving…there is a good chance that Christmas might have already puked on my house by then, it’s hard to say. ;-) I don’t know what it is, but Christmas always gives me hope in people (as long as I stay away from the malls, not a lot of hope there during the holidays). It always energizes me to make things better, to appreciate the smaller moments and delight in the delight of my children. It makes me feel warm and cozy and makes me want to sing and dance and laugh and play. Even when we do not have enough for many presents, I take joy in the twinkling lights of the Christmas trees and the happiness I feel when my children and myself are singing Christmas songs together (like Silent Night or the sillier songs like Deck the Halls with Parts of Charlie) and the ‘glee’ we feel anticipating the new holiday episode of ‘Glee’. I certainly have my moments of upset, especially when I really let things get me down, but for the most part, I’m kind of like a little kid Christmas – I am still very happy with hot chocolate and ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas.’

And those are just a few thoughts as we head into this holiday season. I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to say.

Time to Understand coupled with a bit of verbal vomit

Here are a few things I felt like spitting out today.

1. My children are little wild animals sometimes…okay a lot of the time. They fight, they cry, they talk loud enough to break glass. They do not let you finish a movie or a card game or much of anything without interrupting several (hundred) times. BUT they are also the compassionate and affectionate and often want nothing more than hugs and a chance to sit in your lap. You might see what trouble they are causing while you are there, but you aren’t seeing how they try to make me feel better when I’m sick or cuddle with me on the couch or how much they help me with chores on Sundays. What you aren’t considering is how awesome they truly are, especially when so many people in their own family forget they even exist - they just smile and move on, which makes them bigger people than most us, including myself. Do not judge me because they aren’t perfect little angels.

2. If you come over to my house with a chip on your shoulder, the reception isn’t going to be warm. If you come over having already decided that we suck, then don’t expect us to work hard to change that opinion. If you come over having decided that we aren’t cool enough, maybe you should grow up and look in a mirror.

3. If you come over to my house and see something that is MAJORLY wrong with it or something that needs to be addressed, then either talk to me about it or maybe offer to help me with it. Do NOT sit there and judge me and act like you are better than me. I work two jobs, take care of 3 kids, sometimes 5 (and 4 of the 5 are age 10 and younger) and I handle a good majority of the projects that get done around the house and, up until February, I was going to school full time as well. There are also many things I do not know how to do and/or can’t afford to do. If you have a particular skill set, then offer to help. I do not need nor want your judgment or better-than-you-attitude. What I need is a friend who understands and perhaps offers to help me sometime.

4. Just because I don’t break down in tears or share a lot of personal information, don’t assume that I’m just breezing through life. There are plenty of things that you don’t know, things friends don’t know, things my husband doesn’t know. There are things I do not like to talk about and other things I have detached myself from so that I do not get emotional when I talk about them. That really means very little. Don’t assume.

5. I am very aware that I am not always the victim. Do you know what that means? NEITHER ARE YOU.

6. Please understand that my life gets hit over and over again because of stuff other people did before I was ever involved. Please recognize that I work my tail off to work around these things and when things like Christmas come up, I tend to get a little depressed because I am lost as to what to do. Please be sensitive to that. Recognize it, maybe help me out if you are in a position to, but at the very least know that friendship and camaraderie are one of the best things you can offer me.

7. I actually like games. I like to play cards and board games. Many people I am around do not. Please don’t let that stop you. We may have to modify for less players, but please understand that I like games and I like them ever more when bad attitudes are not playing. If the number of players is an issue, my wild children would be happy to fill in.

8. If you are offering to buy me a Christmas present, there are things I need more than ‘stuff’. I need a handy man to come fix the cement in the basement, because I really don’t know how. If you can’t do that, then please by the cement and the tools I will need to figure it out myself. I need a fence around my yard or at the least the money to buy the wood so a friend can put one up for me. I need a new front door…and back door. A good majority of my windows need screens. I need someone to come in and professionally clean my carpets. And the list goes on and on.

9. I don’t care who you are, there is no excuse for siding with someone who keeps children away from their other parent out of spite. It’s harmful to the kids and just plain selfish.

10. If you have a problem with me, then please, talk to me about it. It may not be what you think. Don’t make your snap judgment, especially when you are only around for a minute and then talk trash about me when you don’t know what is ACTUALLY going on.

11. Someday my beautiful little baby is going to turn around and tell you to go take a flying leap. And I will cheer her on.

12. Stop with this holding grudges for 8, 9, 10+++ years BS. Believe it or not, people do change. People grow up and learn lessons and figure out some semblance of responsibility (okay, not ALL people, but most do). Why don’t you stop ripping on them for something they did a decade ago and start recognizing them for the person they are RIGHT NOW. Start realizing they are not the irresponsible, wild, stubborn teenagers they once were and they are now adults, parents, husbands or wives. GET OVER YOURSELF and get a freaking hobby.

13. If you are assuming this is pointed at you, ASK.

Starting a New Season

In about a week and a half, a new season will start once again. The kids will all be advancing to the next grade (1st, 5th and 10th respectfully) and the chaos that ensues during school years will once again be at hand. I am not looking forward to the hectic schedules, the constant moving while feeling like you’re standing still and the stress that comes with the upcoming holidays. But I am looking forward to the season. I am looking forward to new adventures, another fall season and the decorating and projects that come with it, another Halloween of more projects and fun, another Thanksgiving of perfect turkeys and wine and another Christmas of family moments, colored lights and hot chocolate. I want so desperately to be able to take a few moments here and there to breathe it in and embrace it. I want to be even closer to my girls and the hubby and I hope we can find that balance where we all work in sync and tackle problems with our heads up and hands joined.