Memory

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
~T.S. Eliot


I remember you. I remember how soft your voice was and how easily you’d laugh. I remember the sorrow and dreams deep within your eyes. I remember how warm your hand was when it cupped my face for the first time. I remember feeling your energy and even now, the memory of it takes my breath away. I remember the hurt and betrayal on your face when I acted too callously. And I remember how I never forgot. I remember that no matter where life took me, you were on my mind and even after the years had passed, my heart still ached for you. I remember all the moments I never got the spend with you because they threaten to crush me every day. I remember how I couldn’t stop her from crushing your spirit because I wasn’t there and I remember how much that hurts, even now. Don’t think for a moment that I forgot. Don’t think for a second that my anger isn’t fueled by pain. Please don’t forget that I would rather giggle uncomfortably than ease your pain because I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to climb that wall or where to even start bringing it down. I don’t know how to make up for what other people did, or what I did. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to tell you that and I suppose it doesn’t matter because you won’t read this anyway.