Maybe this year

Well, Christmas is upon us. This is one of those times of year that I wish would last so much longer than it does. It’s not the gifts. Sure gifts are nice, but I much prefer the look and feel. I like being able to take my girls into a neighborhood all lit up and collecting canned for people who need it. I like that so many people participate in charities that usually don’t throughout the year, like Toys for Tots, or soup kitchens or Adopt-a-Family-For-Christmas. I like that for one season, many of us can realize how lucky we are and how we can help those less fortunate (that would be those of us NOT fist fighting at the department stores). I enjoy sitting down and adding the loving touches to a wrapped gift, even if it’s only a tin of popcorn. I enjoy the snow, the Santas, the music, the bells. When I was little, the Christmas season (for me) started in June. I would play my favorite Christmas records and start scavenging wrapping paper like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter. As soon as we got the JCPenney Christmas catalog in the mail, I would start marking the pages with everything I wanted. But now, I don’t do that. Now I long for one thing every year. Every year, I just wish for one night where I can sit down snuggled up on the couch with the hubby and kids, watching some sweet Christmas movie. The only light in the room would be the lights on the tree. The house would be clean and we would all be drinking hot chocolate and eating some yummy, gooey goodness made earlier that day. No one would be fighting. The dogs would be sleeping quietly. Snow would be falling softly outside. And the room would smell of pine and cinnamon and cookies and Christmas. I have not yet achieved that perfect 2 hours, but I wish for it every year. Maybe this will be my year….maybe not. Each year I strive to be a better person. Each year I strive to make Christmas more meaningful in my household and less materialistic. Maybe this year, I can do it. Maybe this year……maybe….

My sock monkey makes me happy

I know that sounds so stupid, but it does make me happy. I’ve only had it about a week now and it’s already brought me some sweet memories, especially this morning. It has perched and watched me do my homework. It has watched TV with me and the kids. But this morning my lovely little Isa tried to take it out of the house, take it to school. I managed to get it away from her and when she realized it, her face fell. I couldn’t stand that look, so I gave in. I let her take it with her. She lit up like she had been given the world. All over a $3 pink sock monkey. I love that it could bring her such joy, I love that she wanted to take care of it and carry it with her. I kind of got the impression that part of the reason she wanted it so badly is because it was mine, it was something of mine she could take with her and I love that feeling. Even if my silly little monkey ends up getting damaged, it was well worth it to watch my little girl hug it with such ferocity.

Memory

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
~T.S. Eliot


I remember you. I remember how soft your voice was and how easily you’d laugh. I remember the sorrow and dreams deep within your eyes. I remember how warm your hand was when it cupped my face for the first time. I remember feeling your energy and even now, the memory of it takes my breath away. I remember the hurt and betrayal on your face when I acted too callously. And I remember how I never forgot. I remember that no matter where life took me, you were on my mind and even after the years had passed, my heart still ached for you. I remember all the moments I never got the spend with you because they threaten to crush me every day. I remember how I couldn’t stop her from crushing your spirit because I wasn’t there and I remember how much that hurts, even now. Don’t think for a moment that I forgot. Don’t think for a second that my anger isn’t fueled by pain. Please don’t forget that I would rather giggle uncomfortably than ease your pain because I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to climb that wall or where to even start bringing it down. I don’t know how to make up for what other people did, or what I did. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to tell you that and I suppose it doesn’t matter because you won’t read this anyway.

Scribbling Madly

I have begun writing again. Let me clarify – I began writing(again) about a year ago. The last book I wrote….well, it didn’t go fabulously, but that was a very long time ago. The one I’m writing now will likely not go any better (perhaps I should have stuck with the poetry – I’d like to think I was good at that), but it’s an outlet for me. I love the writing. I love the expression and creativity (thank God my girls help bring out that creativity). Don't get me wrong, I love my blogging, but I don't feel the drive and creativity I feel when I write, which is why I don't do it so often). I drive myself mad in the process however. I write a chapter and as I’m writing the subsequent chapters, I keep finding my mind wandering back and rewriting the previous chapters. I’m sure I’m making it take much longer than it needs to by doing that, but, as always, I am my own worst critic (I hope). Lately I have been writing fast and furiously, though I know that will come to an end and I will go through a period of severe roadblock. Such is life. Such is the process. I find that things flow the best when I am tucked in my little balcony at Willow, waiting to count. Ideas will come bashing their way through, way too quickly to write them down and leaving me shaking my head and wondering why they never come when I have the tools to utilize them. It’s that Murphy bastard again. Murphy’s Law takes a hold of my life every single day it seems, and someday I vow to find the source of his power and rip it viciously away from him. Until then, I remain, with my hands poised over my keyboard and my flash drive blinking away at me expectantly.

Overcoming the Waves

“I learned about waves when I was little, swimming in
Lake Michigan in navy blue water under a clear sky, and the
most important thing I learned was this: if you try to stand
and face the wave, it will smash you to bits, but if you trust
the water and let it carry you, there’s nothing sweeter. And
a couple
decades later, that’s what I’m learning to be true
about life, too. If you dig in and fight the change you’re
facing, it will indeed smash you to bits. It will hold you under,
drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you.”
~Shauna Niequist

This quote by the incomparable Shauna Niequist could not more adequately describe my life right now. Things are changing…always changing. Over the last 2 years, life has taken some drastic turns. My husband and I now own a house, all 3 of my girls are in school and finding more of themselves every day. My job has changed which required some decisions on my part, decisions I never wanted to have to make. My marriage has had waves and waves of ups and downs and those waves have been coming so fast and frequently that I am having a hard time finding my footing. There has been a monumental amount of family changes (and some things that refuse change) in both of our families and I feel like I’m stuck in this whirlwind, on some plateau, ready to sweep me away to change, but for now only making me dangle over its precipice. Each morning I get out of bed and go through the motions of my life, teeth clenched, bracing for impact. I’m in this place, where my nightmares take hold and I can see all the things I love, but can’t touch, can never touch. I don’t know how to deal with that. I want so many things in my life and I do not know how to achieve those things. I want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to laugh and share the whole world with my husband and my girls. I want that moment…you know the one. That moment when a cool breeze hits you in face, bringing with it the sweet smell of remembering, and that breeze comes at just that time when you need it and that breeze begins to feel that much cooler because of the tears streaming down your face. You breathe it in and feel an overwhelming calm and peace and maybe even begin to sob because it’s so bittersweet. But you know, in that moment, that you can ride those waves and take on that change and you only hope and pray that the people you love will ride them with you.

I am ashamed to say that I staunchly and violently tried to halt one of those waves. The shame I feel is huge, though the despair that got so deep to cause me to behave in such a manner is still lingering. No one probably realizes just how heavy my guilt is, or how desperate I was. Yes, I know I am whining and taking on a whole new level of selfishness. I should be happy. I have a big, beautiful house, a husband, 3 gorgeous little girls and decent job. I should feel blessed, but here, now, in this season of life, I don’t. I feel despair and loss. I dread the possibilities. I’m clinging tightly to the silver chord that used to bind me and my family, that used to surge so many emotions and love through it, even though it has long since lost its light and starting to dry up. I feel the loss of my relationship, to the one that remembered a horse with flames in its eyes and used to invoke so many butterflies I thought they would come bursting from my chest. I can feel my strength faltering when we come upon the holiday season, as we are coming up on it now, and I’m brutally reminded of the unfairness of the season to my husband and my girls, and I’m helpless to fix it. That thought alone causes so much anger and strife and I feel trapped under the weight of it all.

Autumn is here!

I need some calm. I need to learn to feel more blessed for the things I have and things I can do, and less bitter about the things I don't have or the people that linger around my life making things difficult. Something happened this past Tuesday and since then, I have been stewing on it, and making myself more and more annoyed at the complete disrespect and immaturity that someone displayed. Wednesday I got to thinking about it and realized that I am actually blessed that this person doesn't associate with my children, because I don't want them thinking that kind of behavior is okay, especially as adults. This has always been something I have pondered and driven myself crazy over because I know how much more blessed my older two children are over the youngest one. But again, here I travel into the world of bitterness and unfairness and that is not where I want to be. I am trying desperately to change, I have been for a while now and it's been so hard to do when the things around me stay the same, the things that evoked my previous behavior crop up every time I turn around. I want to learn to feel blessed, to be calm, to be less irrational and more focused, to learn to use my time better. I want to take a deep breath and be thankful for the glorious autumn weather we are having and less concerned with the upcoming "family" holidays. I can only hope that the people I love will share this with me and find their own sense of well being over the upcoming holiday season. I hope that my friends and family will come outside with me and play in the leaves. :)

Mary Poppins I am not

I have spent the last 2 weeks in a flurry of activity as I try to get things around the house cleaned up. I feel like the mess is holding us back from being a little more together. Does that make sense? Maybe the puppy would be easier to potty train if the house was clean. Maybe the hubby would find a little time for romance if the house was clean. Maybe I could get a better handle on general day to day activities if the house was clean. Maybe I would FINALLY be able to start on the basement if the house was clean. I know, that sounds stupid, but in my mind, it's not. Currently I have two rooms VERY clean (out of 9....*blush*). Tonight the third one should be very clean. Hopefully by Friday, the 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th will be clean. On Saturday the 8th. The 9th....well I haven't yet determined the fate of that yet, so it might have to wait. But to have 8 rooms very clean makes me so excited I might pee a little. I always say that I will better be able to stay on top of things when everything is clean. The problem is, every time I clean one thing, something else gets messy. I can't stay on top of it, much less clean it all to begin with. So, IF this all gets accomplished, I'm going to set aside time each week to do the sheets, the PJ's, the week's clothes, sweep, vacuum, dust, etc, etc. And I can go back to the dishwasher routine my husband and I had for a minute. The biggest problem right now is laundry. A good majority of it is clean BUT...I'm running out of room for it. The girls don't have HUGE dressers. I've had to get a little creative....

I just want it to be clean and STAY that way for longer than a minute. I want to purge, I want to paint, I want to organize. The amount of crap we have is just crazy.....and the amount of crap I want to get done (non-necessities) is just crazy too. But not until the house is clean(er)..... Oh Mary, where have you been all my life with your toys that pick themselves up and penguins that serve you tea....? Okay that last one has nothing to do with anything, but it would be fun! :-)

Cause baby you're a firework.....

Well, we just celebrated the 4th of July yesterday. Really we've been celebrating all weekend. The girls got to go see my brother and his new band, Always Frantic, play in McHenry and watched fireworks after that looking out over a beach. It was actually really nice. While it started off REALLY stinking hot, it ended up being pretty pleasant. On Sunday my FIL came over for a cookout and a movie (Ironman 2). Yesterday (the 4th) was very nice as well. The girls played in their pool, which was thankfully set up over the weekend (it's given them hours of entertainment). We saw more fireworks last night. They were excellent, as they usually are. It was nice to be able to sit there on that blanket with my kids and close friends having ice cream, playing with glow sticks and then able to kick back and watch the colorful explosions. I know people tend to get sappy over the holidays for one reason or another and usually I am resistant to it. Not this time.... On Saturday, while we were watching fireworks, music was playing. Of course they played the song Firework, which just kind of jazzes you up, especially if you are WATCHING fireworks while it's playing. But then they play Proud to Be an American. I don't know what it is about that particular song, but I could just feel myself swell with pride for our country and get that all too familiar knot of sadness for all the soldiers that can't be with their families because they are so busy fighting for our freedoms. I have really become quite emotional about stuff like that. There is a picture that circulates the internet of soldiers who are on their way out and one little girl doesn't want her dad to leave so she is standing in line with him, holding his hand. That picture makes me tear up all the time. All a child knows is that their dad is going away. It's easy to tell them all the reasons why their dad (or mom) is fighting, but it's a lot harder to justify those reasons when you have to tell them that their mom or dad isn't coming home. It hardly seems fair, but these kids and these wives and husbands and families are also fighting for our freedoms. They should be honored and respected. We should honor them every day by exercising our freedoms, by living life to the fullest, by appreciating our family, friends, loved ones. There are just so many people I know that are wasting their lives away because it's easier that way, because I think deep down they are afraid to live, they are afraid to do things for themselves. But out of respect for a soldier, we SHOULD do things ourselves, because we CAN. All thanks to a soldier.

Ch-ch-changes

I want changes. I was big changes in my life. I want to be better. I want to be more responsible. I want to be more patient. I want to teach my children how to be good people, how to see the beautiful things in life. I want to feel secure in my marriage. I want to celebrate some kind of faith. I want to let the selfishness of others roll off my back. I want to be thinner.

I know, I'm asking for a lot here. I want a complete overhaul on my life. I want to be able to make TV less of a priority, but still be able to watch some of the best shows (like Fringe). I want to cook dinner once in a while without my own internal excuses. I want to find the time to keep my house clean, the laundry done and still find time to play ping pong with the kiddies or read a story to them before they go to sleep. I want to have lovely evenings outside with citronella and bags and hamburgers and friends. Not a lot of money spent, but a good time had. I want to get my projects done around the house (the ones that NEED to be done) to give me more time for things I WANT to do. I want to sit and sing on the front porch reading a book next to my husband. I want to dance and jump around with my girls. I want to love life and laugh every single day. I want to grow away from the people who can't appreciate this rather than clinging to them like a lifeline. And if I should cry, I want to feel like a fresh April rain has just washed me clean and made me even more whole. Now is that so much to ask?

On a side note, wander over to this blog. It belong to Shauna. I have two of her books. I know her family. I mean, I'm not intimately acquainted, but I bump into them on occasion. I have the utmost respect for her, for her writing and for the colorful way she lives life. I envy her that.

www.shaunaniequist.com/

Lifetime challenge

This has been interesting month so far. I'm almost hesitant to see what the second half of the month will bring. So far I've worked two charity events, I've had 2 people I know die, I've changed up rooms, I'd come to two of the most difficult decisions of my life only to take them back, I've laughed, I've cried, I've raged, I've just been THAT close to throwing in the towel. I really do hope the rest of the month is calmer because the last two weeks have felt like my own personal hell. I'm hoping that this new changing/purging thing I'm trying to accomplish in my home will help calm things down, take away a little visual chaos. But I know that's not the complete answer. I know how angry I am and how hateful I can be. I don't want to be. I want to be grateful. There are words from a song at church that say I've been blessed now I want to be a blessing. I kind of feel that way, except that I don't appreciate how blessed I have been. I want to appreciate that I could run right out this weekend and paint a room a different color, just because. I want to appreciate that even though my kids spent much of the day bickering yesterday, that they spent so much of the day behaving on Saturday. I want to appreciate how wonderful it is that my husband finished up the last part of the wall for me because my head was shattering. The list of things I want to appreciate is pretty lengthy. And it's not that I don't appreciate these things, it's that I'm so filled with spitfire that I can't appreciate these things ENOUGH. I need to find some kind of peace in my life, some moment where no one is snipping at anyone, a moment full of laughter, a moment where I can take a deep breath and feel the relief wash over me. I want friendly gatherings full of engaging conversation and good laughs. I want to reconnect with my husband and form a closeness we never had before. Most of all, I want to cry. I want a long, cleansing cry because I already feel like I'm just holding the sobs back. Believe it or not, I want to stop whining too. This week being what it is however, the 5 day challenge: the week of no coffee, I'm not sure this will be the week to stop whining. If whining is all you get this week, you might want to consider yourself lucky....

By the skin of my teeth....

Well, I am ashamed to admit that I can't keep up with this. I am thankful everyday for something, whether it is a big hug from my girls or beautiful weather or a jovial conversation with someone at work. Even on my bitter days, I can find at least one thing I can be thankful for. Even today, when I am feeling cynical and anxious about my position at work, I am thankful that I have a job, and still have some options within that job. I am nervous about the upcoming medical testing I have to do because I don't know what they will find, but I am trying to be hopeful. I am still a little uneasy about my Valentine card shopping experience and wondering what direction I'm headed in now. The future is a big unknown for me right now and I don't like that. There are too many variables hanging in the air, but I am thankful for my constants, my little girls. Life evolves more and more everyday. So far I haven't handled that well at all. I have been kicking and screaming the whole way. Now I pray for the patience and grace to evolve with it and be a better person for it. I have to....before I crash and burn.

Inspirationi

I am so thankful for the blogs that give me inspiration with my home projects (these are only two of MANY).

I am thankful my little girl has someone she adores so much!

The blizzard of 2011

Well, we ended up getting around 20 inches of snow with winds that were 60+ mph which created some 5-10' snow drifts. I am thankful for a snow day to just stay home and relax.

Patience Unmanaged

This is my old hope chest - Before




Again, Hope chest - before





This is my hope chest - After



Hope chest after


I have this old hope chest that my dad made me when I was 14 or so. Over the years it has turned into a toy box for the kids and as you can see, it had seen better days. So I decided to take what little skill I possess and try to make it new again. While the results aren't perfect, they are certainly much better and I'm pretty pleased with it. :) I'm thankful for old things I can make new again.

Instant streaming

I am thankful that my friend recommended Netflix to me. I've gotten to see so many more things I never would have without it. :)

Headache

I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am for this stuff on a day like today!

Movies

I am thankful my husband was able to go with his dad to see a movie he's been wanting to see for awhile (Tron).

Shows and friends

(obviously I didn't take this picture even a little - though I wish!)


I am thankful for good shows I can watch with good friends. :)

Time to Dance

I am thankful that I still have one daughter taking ballet!

Paint It Down

So this is how the chandelier turned out after painting it and cleaning it up. I still have a few spots I need to touch up (as you can see), but I love it, so much better than the old one! I am thankful for projects that turn out well.

I am thankful for pretty winter blues when I am feeling blue

A Job Well Done

I am thankful that I can type so well and get tasks done quickly.

A little blush

I am thankful there can be such pops of color in the snow

Bring People Together

I am thankful that enough people to fill this room can come together in songs, hopes and dreams.

Here kitty kitty

This is our cat Ninja. She never really seems to get any bigger, though she is HUGE with personality. I am thankful for a cat that can entertain me!

All lit up

The old chandelier (hated it!)



The new chandelier before paint

I got a free chandelier from our local freecycle. I decided to paint it and replace the old one because I absolutely couldn't stand it. I was in such a rush to make sure this one worked that I bought 60 watt bulbs. Not bad you say? Well, it IS bad when there are 12 of them. You could get a tan in my dining room! I am thankful for things on freecycle that I can improve upon!

School

I am so thankful for tools like this that enable me to complete my school work!

Sorry!

I am thankful for games we can play as a family, have fun with and even my youngest will understand!

Feeling Froggy

These are african clawed frogs. They only live in water, they never come out. My daughter wanted frogs in the worst way. I am thankful for frogs that can't leave their environment and get lost in the house.

Thirsty

I am thankful for a tall, cool glass of water when the winter air is making me feel dry and dehydrated.

Animal House

I am thankful for animals and children that get along so well!

Bedtime

Even though this was a while ago, I still am very proud of the work I did on my daughter's bed. I am thankful for the inspiration that helps me come up with good ideas!

Fun without the Sun

As a late birthday celebration, we took the kids to Coco Keys hotel and indoor water park. I am thankful for affordable, fun and unusual places where the kids can have a blast!

Upon Review

I am thankful that old pictures can still make me smile!

Sprucing up the office

I am thankful that my children draw me colorful creations that I can enjoy at work!

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to my first born! I am thankful that she enjoyed the days and liked her gifts!

Days like this

I have those days, like everyone I suppose, where I feel like I can't catch up and life is closing in on me. Then I see things like this. I am thankful for signs that catch me off guard and remind me to not take myself so seriously.

Bedtime

As adults we lose sight of the simple pleasures. We take things for granted and fun does not often enter the building. I am thankful that simple things like matching PJs still tickles the children.

Just Dance

Because of the chaos of the holidays, my brother and I decided to wait awhile to get our families together. When we did, the kids insisted on playing Just Dance on the Wii. My brother and I even danced to some (after MUCH begging from the kids). I am thankful for a family that can play together.

Tied in knots

I am thankful for good friends that are willing to play a little Twister.

Just a little style

This is one of my favorite pictures of her. It really shows her character and unique flair. I am thankful I have children that want to live out loud.

Whimzy

I am thankful to still have children that are in awe of a little bit of "magic".

Warmth

I am thankful for my favorite cup filled with warm tea to keep me feeling cozy on a cold winter's night.