AH Christmas! ;-)

Recently I have had someone pop back up into my life and I am just not comfortable with it. His presence has made me shaky and paranoid and constantly on edge. I don’t like it. I hate feeling that way. I hate FEELING anything in regard to him other than the contempt I had settled in with 20 years ago. I certainly hate feeling this way during one of “the most wonderful times of the year”. For now I am concentrating on Christmas and gifts and smells and movies and lights and music. I am busy shopping and building and painting and creating and doing what I can to shove this to the back of my mind – something I suppose I’ve always done. But Christmas, for me, is about my children. And this scum-of-the-earth is NOT going to take that away from me.

On a lighter note, WOW do I have a TON to get done before Christmas! That is what I get for pushing it off and thinking ‘Oh I have plenty of time’. Yeah, time is running out. Hate it when that happens! But that’s okay. I have a million ideas for things (of which I’ll probably complete like 2). I really need to find a time to take inventory and make lists so I can keep track. But I have to find the perfect time to do that, when all manner of child and husband are nowhere near me. Yeah, good luck with that!

But it doesn’t matter. I’m excited for the holiday season. I’m as anxious to play with see the kid’s new stuff as they are. I'm counting down the seconds until my favorite shows do their Christmas episodes and I've already taken in WAY too much sappy Christmas movies. But this year....this year I will break down and FINALLY watch It's a Wonderful Life for the first time (don't laugh people - I only saw A Christmas Story last year for the first time). Looking forward to it all!

The holidays approach

The holidays are among us. This is that time of year when I take on something almost schizophrenic in nature – when I am excited for the possibilities of warm holiday memories and dreading the chaos that always accompanies this time of year. In less than a week, Halloween will be upon us. All the little kiddies will dress in their scariest and threaten tricks while really just seeking out treats. My witch, my vampire princess and my devil will be among them, most likely pretending not to be freezing in order to avoid even a chance that they might miss out on some sugary goodness. They will, of course, have eaten 6+ pieces of candy before getting home despite my warnings to only have one. Once at home, they will proceed to dump their ‘treasure’ on the table and the sorting and trading will commence. Despite the candy-coated frenzy, I do still enjoy the whimsy of it all.

Not too long after that, we will be preparing for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving and Christmas are always harder holidays for me I think. Thanksgiving does remind to give thanks for each little blessing in my life, but, to be honest, I do that quite frequently anyway. But then it reminds me of the people who are not thankful for the blessings in their lives – the people who only focus on the negative things or the people who don’t even notice the blessings at all. I try not to let these people bring me down, but often I find myself dwelling on them and it makes me a little bitter. I don’t like that. I don’t like people who suck so much energy out of my life that I can’t focus on my own happy thoughts. So Thanksgiving is always a lesson in balance for me. But I do look forward to it nonetheless (okay, okay, I’ll admit, I am, more than anything else, looking forward to the turkey because it was AH-MAZING last year! – and the wine, I rather like that as well). I know ahead of time that at least two of the children will fight, one of them will beg everyone she sees to play video games with her, one will keep trying to hole herself up in her room, one will be too wound up and will eat very little and then she will fall asleep on the couch and at some point someone (or many) will leave a plate laying somewhere it shouldn’t be and the dogs will clean it off for them. I know these things WILL happen, but I look forward to it anyway and already I can feel the warm creep up into my face as I think about how much I appreciate the people in my life. I really need to be a hugger. ;-)

And then we head into Christmas. I am not ashamed to admit that I am getting really impatient to start decorating for that. Yes, I know, it’s not Halloween yet, but I can’t help it. I spent a good amount of time sniffing holiday scented candles and looking at Christmas crafts and working on Christmas lists with the kids and now I want the holly and lights and music and movies dammit! For the people coming over on Thanksgiving…there is a good chance that Christmas might have already puked on my house by then, it’s hard to say. ;-) I don’t know what it is, but Christmas always gives me hope in people (as long as I stay away from the malls, not a lot of hope there during the holidays). It always energizes me to make things better, to appreciate the smaller moments and delight in the delight of my children. It makes me feel warm and cozy and makes me want to sing and dance and laugh and play. Even when we do not have enough for many presents, I take joy in the twinkling lights of the Christmas trees and the happiness I feel when my children and myself are singing Christmas songs together (like Silent Night or the sillier songs like Deck the Halls with Parts of Charlie) and the ‘glee’ we feel anticipating the new holiday episode of ‘Glee’. I certainly have my moments of upset, especially when I really let things get me down, but for the most part, I’m kind of like a little kid Christmas – I am still very happy with hot chocolate and ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas.’

And those are just a few thoughts as we head into this holiday season. I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to say.

Time to Understand coupled with a bit of verbal vomit

Here are a few things I felt like spitting out today.

1. My children are little wild animals sometimes…okay a lot of the time. They fight, they cry, they talk loud enough to break glass. They do not let you finish a movie or a card game or much of anything without interrupting several (hundred) times. BUT they are also the compassionate and affectionate and often want nothing more than hugs and a chance to sit in your lap. You might see what trouble they are causing while you are there, but you aren’t seeing how they try to make me feel better when I’m sick or cuddle with me on the couch or how much they help me with chores on Sundays. What you aren’t considering is how awesome they truly are, especially when so many people in their own family forget they even exist - they just smile and move on, which makes them bigger people than most us, including myself. Do not judge me because they aren’t perfect little angels.

2. If you come over to my house with a chip on your shoulder, the reception isn’t going to be warm. If you come over having already decided that we suck, then don’t expect us to work hard to change that opinion. If you come over having decided that we aren’t cool enough, maybe you should grow up and look in a mirror.

3. If you come over to my house and see something that is MAJORLY wrong with it or something that needs to be addressed, then either talk to me about it or maybe offer to help me with it. Do NOT sit there and judge me and act like you are better than me. I work two jobs, take care of 3 kids, sometimes 5 (and 4 of the 5 are age 10 and younger) and I handle a good majority of the projects that get done around the house and, up until February, I was going to school full time as well. There are also many things I do not know how to do and/or can’t afford to do. If you have a particular skill set, then offer to help. I do not need nor want your judgment or better-than-you-attitude. What I need is a friend who understands and perhaps offers to help me sometime.

4. Just because I don’t break down in tears or share a lot of personal information, don’t assume that I’m just breezing through life. There are plenty of things that you don’t know, things friends don’t know, things my husband doesn’t know. There are things I do not like to talk about and other things I have detached myself from so that I do not get emotional when I talk about them. That really means very little. Don’t assume.

5. I am very aware that I am not always the victim. Do you know what that means? NEITHER ARE YOU.

6. Please understand that my life gets hit over and over again because of stuff other people did before I was ever involved. Please recognize that I work my tail off to work around these things and when things like Christmas come up, I tend to get a little depressed because I am lost as to what to do. Please be sensitive to that. Recognize it, maybe help me out if you are in a position to, but at the very least know that friendship and camaraderie are one of the best things you can offer me.

7. I actually like games. I like to play cards and board games. Many people I am around do not. Please don’t let that stop you. We may have to modify for less players, but please understand that I like games and I like them ever more when bad attitudes are not playing. If the number of players is an issue, my wild children would be happy to fill in.

8. If you are offering to buy me a Christmas present, there are things I need more than ‘stuff’. I need a handy man to come fix the cement in the basement, because I really don’t know how. If you can’t do that, then please by the cement and the tools I will need to figure it out myself. I need a fence around my yard or at the least the money to buy the wood so a friend can put one up for me. I need a new front door…and back door. A good majority of my windows need screens. I need someone to come in and professionally clean my carpets. And the list goes on and on.

9. I don’t care who you are, there is no excuse for siding with someone who keeps children away from their other parent out of spite. It’s harmful to the kids and just plain selfish.

10. If you have a problem with me, then please, talk to me about it. It may not be what you think. Don’t make your snap judgment, especially when you are only around for a minute and then talk trash about me when you don’t know what is ACTUALLY going on.

11. Someday my beautiful little baby is going to turn around and tell you to go take a flying leap. And I will cheer her on.

12. Stop with this holding grudges for 8, 9, 10+++ years BS. Believe it or not, people do change. People grow up and learn lessons and figure out some semblance of responsibility (okay, not ALL people, but most do). Why don’t you stop ripping on them for something they did a decade ago and start recognizing them for the person they are RIGHT NOW. Start realizing they are not the irresponsible, wild, stubborn teenagers they once were and they are now adults, parents, husbands or wives. GET OVER YOURSELF and get a freaking hobby.

13. If you are assuming this is pointed at you, ASK.

Starting a New Season

In about a week and a half, a new season will start once again. The kids will all be advancing to the next grade (1st, 5th and 10th respectfully) and the chaos that ensues during school years will once again be at hand. I am not looking forward to the hectic schedules, the constant moving while feeling like you’re standing still and the stress that comes with the upcoming holidays. But I am looking forward to the season. I am looking forward to new adventures, another fall season and the decorating and projects that come with it, another Halloween of more projects and fun, another Thanksgiving of perfect turkeys and wine and another Christmas of family moments, colored lights and hot chocolate. I want so desperately to be able to take a few moments here and there to breathe it in and embrace it. I want to be even closer to my girls and the hubby and I hope we can find that balance where we all work in sync and tackle problems with our heads up and hands joined.

Reblogging

I know I haven't written anything in a while. I haven't had a lot to say. Or maybe I had a lot but feel like I just keep saying it. I'm not sure. But I'm not saying a lot today either. Instead, I want to highlight a blog done by Pat Monahan of Train. I think he adequately hits the nail on the head with it. It's from his blog PatBlogahan.com. Confessions of the baby of the family: After having 6 kids, my parents took a breather. Can’t blame them. Breather? With having to take care of 6 children, how could anything sound like a breather? Yeah, good point. Well, anyway six years passed and then voila! There I was. Precious, isn’t he. My dad said I was mature even as a baby, like a real responsible adult. Not sure if that’s true and so I will accept that as he said it. As my life continued and I became a kid then a teenager then a man child, I always had a dream. A huge goal. It was what I used to get everywhere. I used it in school, knowing that school wasn’t my path. I used it to get by, survive. Then I was a grown up. I had children, a job, responsibilities and people who counted on me. That never felt bad to me. I suppose I was ready for that from a very young age. I met the goal, or so it seemed. A strange thing was happening and I wonder if my being the baby of the family plays a roll. I never feel satisfied. In fact it always feels like every time I can reach the hoop, someone lifts it up an inch or two. When I was a child in a house with 8 other people, there were times of joy and times of trouble. Those things came and went and I always had forever to solve any problems that may have occurred. Now I don’t feel like I have forever. I feel like I only have one problem to solve and I have to really figure it out soon, before I lose sight of the answer forever. How do I become okay with my life results?! How do I look at my body and say, “Not bad.”? How do I listen to my records and say, “Dude, you fucking did it!”? When will I sit in a dressing room in Birmingham, England, knowing that I am about to perform to a beautiful group of people in a sold out O2 venue and look in the mirror and think, “Congratulation! You’ve come a long way.” Because all I do now is want more. I want to look better. I want to be better. I want to have more and more and more love till I explode. I read 10,000 things from people that say “I LOVE YOU, Pat” and then one that says,”Hey Pat You suck!” and I am filled with sadness to my bones. Some say that I feel these things because I am an artist. I don’t feel like an artist. Some say I am the baby of the family and that’s the way that works. But I’m certainly not a baby of anyone’s family anymore. I’m just a man trying to do his best and breaking shit along the way. I promise myself to stop taking things personally but then the time comes and I do the whole routine all over again. Then I commiserate with others and it feels better for a moment or two. I sometimes feel like I should call it quits and grow a garden. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing some good for people. Sometimes I could use a break. Sometimes I could use a friend. And sometimes I feel like I am not alone and that makes me feel a bit better. I don’t know if I will ever solve this one. The only thing I can do is my best. I hope that everyone in my life always knows that I am always trying to do my best. Pat

Moving Forward

I have made the decision to move forward. Now, I tend to make this decision frequently, with small things. This is a little different, because I’m making it with everything. To my struggle with my weight, I am moving forward. To the house that constantly mocks me with its projects just out of my grasp, I am moving forward. To the mountain of laundry that refuses to get smaller, I am moving forward (and WILL conquer you). To the loved one who can’t get involved in daily life, I am moving forward. To the grandparents who don’t give a damn, I am moving forward. To the extended “family” who proves daily how little they care about anyone other than themselves, I am moving forward.

That’s right. I am moving forward. I’m sick and tired of putting up with the stupid crap. I’m tired of waiting around for people to step up and take some responsibility for their actions, or show a tiny shred of maturity. I’m tired of spending every day with these things in the back of my mind, just festering there, like a wound. I am going to just breathe, enjoy life a little and accept the knowledge that I am VERY aware of everything I do for you even if you aren’t, I am VERY aware of how forgiving I have been and I am VERY aware of what YOU are missing because you are too busy causing the drama you blame me for causing. And to the house of projects, my hammering/nailing/screwdriving hand is getting a little itchy and I WILL move forward.


I.AM.MOVING.FORWARD.

Live a little

I have decided that I need to try new things more often. I am always very comfortable with what I know and don’t vary that much. While I try new things here and there, if they even closely resemble things I have not liked in the past, I pre-judge them and affect my own outlook. One example of this is meatloaf. I really do not like meatloaf. I never have. It’s not even the flavor. I mean, it’s okay, not fabulous. It’s the something IN the flavor or in the consistency that LITERALLY makes me gag. So when my hubby said he was going to make me a taco meatloaf, I pre-judged. I’ll admit it. I immediately had visions of gagging. So the night comes and he is heading toward me with the plate. I can already feel the gag muscles preparing. I take a bite…and YUM! It’s just shaped taco meat, and I for one, LOVE anything taco related!!! Well that put me in my place for sure. I know I am quick to judge, people, food, whatever, but I am generally quick to change my opinion as well (there are a few who had too many chances to change my opinion and only served to reinforce it, but whatever).

So back to new things….this morning, I decided, I am going to go into work, go into the stair well and go up as far as I could without killing myself. I can use the elliptical until I’m blue in the face, same with the treadmill or the bike. But stairs….they are a sworn enemy. But if I’m going to get healthy, I need to tackle it all. So I start huffing and puffing my way up the stairs. Now each floor, has TWO FULL sets of stairs between them, so going up to 3 is really like going up 6 flights of stairs. Well 4 is where I went to (first day people). I figured I would ride the elevator from there to my floor (8). Put my hand on the door knob….and it’s locked. Um……..okay……so I slink up to the 5th floor, SLOWLY. And it’s locked too. Well crap. So I can down to the 3rd floor….locked. 2nd – locked. Ground – unlocked…and right back to where I started. Apparently the stairs are only to be used in a fire. Really? So people can’t get a little exercise here unless it’s nice outside? Nope, sorry, it’s raining, no exercise for you! Ugh! But between the up and down on the stairs (I told you, stairs are NOT my friend), my right leg spent about half an hour just trembling. It’s better now.

I will continue to keep trying to things. Some will surprise me I’m sure (like the meatloaf) and others will not work in my favor (like the stairs), but I want to eat new things, see new things, do new things. I want to release my control over my ‘safe’ environment and work on living more and more.

Mission Accomplished

Well, the hubby and I set out to redo what we somewhat affectionately call our sunroom. Even when we moved in, the tile was HORRIBLE. And as we have lived there, the tiles themselves have been slowly coming up one by one. Ugh. So thanks to a stellar floor sale at Menards, we were able to redo the room pretty economically. Can you believe how much brighter it is??

Here is the Before picture:



Here is the floor – gross right?:



Here is the After (we still need to hang the blinds and such, but what a difference!):





I feel very accomplished, and I love that hubby and I worked on it together (I did the painting of walls and trim, he did the floor). Usually it’s just me being unable to settle and doing rooms myself, but this was definitely a joint effort and I like it that much more because of it! I can’t wait to fill that window with plants and just sit in there with a good book and a glass of wine!

The Little Engine that Barely Can

Ugh, tis the roller coaster of my life. I’m so determined to do better, to do things better, but I am so tired from trying so hard that I don’t want to do better right now. I have a week until I’m done with school and I’m fighting every second not to throw in the towel. I have crucial things to get done in the house and I’m trying so hard to be excited about them, because I know they are good things, and I know they have to be done, but I’m just so tired. My head does not want to keep everyone’s appointments or pay bills or even figure out what I want to watch. I just want to think about nothing for a while. But for each new chaos brought to my mind, it forgets something trivial and makes me think that I hardly know anything at all. It’s a vicious and frustrating circle. The more tired I get and the more frustrated I get, the less patient I get with people who whine needlessly about the same old crap. With that being said, here are a few things I feel like blurting out:

- No I do NOT like your wife. I never have and I never will and I think you are both full of it.

- No I have NOT changed my opinion of you. I still think you are one of the most selfish people I know and I can’t wait until certain people get old enough to tell you how they feel.

- You are a lazy, opinionated SOB that walks around like you are better than me and mine. Really? Have you looked around you?

- Some people should never be allowed to have children.
- Some children had better get their heads out of their butts and stop acting like the world owes them a favor.

- Some people better figure out that I am not the only adult around and the other adults that are around better figure out to act like adults.

- How can I feel sorry for you if you do nothing to change your situation?

- Do you think I haven’t noticed how much friendlier you were before you got what you wanted and now that you have, you can’t return a text or phone call? Trust me. I’ve noticed.

- I hate that my kids don’t really have family close by that they can see regularly.

- It makes me intensely angry when I think about how quickly you are willing to write your own kid off.

- It ticks me off that you don’t see how hard I fight for this.

- I work full time, go to school, take care of 3 kids, volunteer and run my household. What is YOUR excuse?

Okay, I guess that’s it for now. Those are not all for the same person. Just some phrases that fly in and out of my head that I would love to direct at people and just can’t bring myself to do it. But this felt good. 